


Severus Snape x deatheater!reader

by Cry_Kitty



Series: Severus Snape x reader [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alan Rickman - Freeform, Alan we love you, Blowjobs, Death Eater - Freeform, Depression, Developing Relationship, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Insanity, Lemon, Light Dom/sub, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, RIP Alan Rickman, Romance, Semi-Public Sex, Sex, Smut, Unrequited Love, but not the type of romance you would expect, death eater reader, going crazy, malfoy mansion, mental issues, snape x reader lemon, snape x reader smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2018-09-21 00:12:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9522101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cry_Kitty/pseuds/Cry_Kitty
Summary: You´re a young death eater trapped in the Malfoy Mansion, under Voldemort´s control and in love with a certain black haired man.Will he be able to love you back or continue to live in the past?---In loving memory of Alan





	1. chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second Sev x reader story :) My writing style improved a LOT after writing over 40k words for my last story and I´m almost completely happy with it ;) 
> 
> This work is inspired by "change of heart" by gaarasgurl666 on fanfiction, please check it out, it is SO good!

This definitely was the least place you wanted to be. An old mansion, a trap made of dark green marble, full of despair and death eaters. You didn't come here by your own choice, after all. Everything about this place made you feel cold and lonely and slightly anxious. 

You stepped out from the room of decisions, there was no turning back now. In a blur you heard someone tell you to come to the dining room. Clutching to the seal of your future on your right forearm, you tried hastily to return to the big hall. Your legs shook and almost gave up, not wanting to obey as you had to almost pull yourself forwards by clutching to the walls of the corridors. You almost felt delirious, the sly figures that were scurrying past looked like dirty, drawn out shadows in your state of mind. 

Where was this dining room supposed to be? Every corridor just looked the same, every floor, every wall, every door looked like an evil promise, ready to devour you and spit out a few bones and a lost soul. Eventually, someone grabbed your arm tightly and pulled you through a large double-leaf door. It looked just like the entrance to hell and you tried to fight the force that was pulling you inside, without success.

For a second you were struck by the massive horde of people here. In a blink of an eye you were pushed down to sit at a large table that was made of black marble. The world around you spun and you tightly clutched to the mark on your forearm. It hurt and made you feel vulnerable, only adding to your delirious state. 

Without looking at the person that was sitting at the end of it, you know who it was. His presence made you almost shake and you didn´t dare to raise your head. He who shall not be named. He raised his voice and it instantly pierced through your ears, making your fingers claw into the hem of your shirt. How much you despised him, hated him, but… a thought came to your mind. If the room was so full of people, then he had to be here too!

Your gaze darted over the crowd, searching for pitch black, feather like curls, for eyes that were so black, they could make you feel like drowning only by looking into them for too long. But in your state, the contours blurred together, hiding the person you were so desperately looking for in a pattern of all shades of grey and dark green. 

_Severus, where are you?_

.--.--.--.--.--.

You had returned to the small room in which you were supposed to sleep in. Except you were only lying awake on your bed, staring out of the window. It was pointless to try to sleep because the pain in your arm was not fading the slightest. The night outside was coating everything in heavy layers of darkness which ate up every little spark of light. You felt trapped and weak in these cold walls of the mansion, like a pent-up animal that was raised for slaughter. 

Despite your feelings, your state had gotten better, not making you feel delirious anymore. Instead, a heavy realization had settled in. You wanted to get the hell out of this place as soon as possible. But you knew you couldn´t. Something bonded you here, made it unable to leave. A promise. No, a threat. You felt like you went crazy, your mind was racing and the fear just wouldn't leave. 

Right now, another thing went through your mind though, which made the stormy sea inside your head still for a minute. Long black hair and dark eyes, to be precise. It seemed like you had missed him in the dining hall. Only the thought of him let a small fire lit up inside you and made you feel slightly safer in all of this chaos. Ever since you were a teenager you´ve been in love with this man. 

Oh how badly you wanted to rake your hands through pitch black strands of hair, bite and taste his pale skin and move your lips against his. There was a bunch of other things you also wanted to do, and the thought of them made it unable to fall asleep. 

After some hours you still weren´t one step closer to sleep. The thoughts of Severus overshadowed the panic, but the pain in your arm was too real. So you went out onto the corridor, only in socks and your pyjamas, and sneaked past closed doors and open ones like a lost child. Maybe it would be best to get a tea or just something to drink. 

After some searching you finally found the kitchen. It wasn´t just any small room with a simple stove and some counters. No, the kitchen was huge and it had a bar. Jackpot. You were alone in the room so you might as well pretend to be the barkeeper and mix yourself some drinks. The best option right now was a cuba libre. The rum was already there but where was the bloody coke? In the other end of the kitchen stood a huge fridge, it probably was in there.  
Of course the coke was in the lowest region of the fridge and you bent down to fetch it. While doing so, you were well aware that your panties were showing since you were only wearing a long oversized shirt as a nightgown, but no one got to see it, right?

Just at that, the door opened and someone came in. Damn. Quickly you straightened up and looked over your shoulder, almost letting the bottle of coke fall down to the ground. In the room stood the person you had been looking for. His face was emotionless as usual but he seemed slightly uneasy. Maybe because you weren´t wearing any pants. You might as well put the coke back into the fridge because you needed a strong drink right now.  
“Didn´t expect you here.” You said with a small smile and a rapidly beating heart, closing the fridge and going over to the bar, making sure to sway your hips just a little bit. 

Severus only raised an eyebrow. “…do I know you?”

The question upset you a little, but you played it off by going behind the bar and pouring yourself a drink. You leaned forwards to let him see a nice display of your cleavage. 

“(Y/n). We met before in Hogwarts. I had other Professors, though. Dropped out two years ago.” 

You noted that he indeed looked at the trap you set up for him while you spoke. It seemed to make him a little uneasy though because he was shifting slightly. It looked like he needed help with something…

“Do you need a drink?” 

You asked, trying not to sound too flirty while you leaned back and took a sip of your own drink that only consisted of rum. 

“A fire whiskey.” The black haired man said after a small pause. His sensual voice made you shiver slightly. It sounded like liquid velvet, like the soothing thunder of a distant storm. The most beautiful voice between all of the whispering and hissing that was going on between these walls. It would be lovely if he continued to speak just to let you hear the pleasing sound again. 

While you poured the drink he sat down at the bar in a much too stiff position. Now that he was closer, you could actually see the tiredness in his face, the hooked nose and the messy parting of his hair. He was perfect. Right now you wanted nothing more than to finally be allowed to drown in his eyes and touch his hair and kiss those lips and – 

“It shouldn´t take so long to pour a drink, shouldn´t it?”

You nodded, doing your best not to feel awkward as you then went around the bar to hand him the glass. You leaned against the counter and he took a sip of his whiskey, vigilant eyes observing every of your moves, as if you were a hostile animal that intruded into his territory. 

The tall man must´ve sensed that you were up to something because he put his glass down onto the bar. You took that chance and leaned forwards to give him a sight he would enjoy while your hand found his. 

“You´re so tense. Why don´t you relax a bit?”

Severus eyes shot up to yours and he scowled, making you feel like a child all of a sudden. 

“There´s no need for that.”

And with these words he stood up and went out of the room, leaving you behind feeling embarrassed and very upset and disappointed. Mostly about yourself. You had wanted him so much but you´d messed it up. 

“No wonder that you never get laid!” You yelled after him, the sudden anger that had been rising inside you now subsided just as quickly.  
The rest of the night you spent with a bottle of alcohol in your room, craving to feel the touch of his hand once more until you fell asleep from the stories that the wind whispered in your ear. 

.--.--.--.--.

The next day went by in a blur. The aftermath of getting the dark mark had subsided and you gladly ate something in the dining hall. Unfortunately, as you searched with your eyes for long black hair, you were disappointed once more. He wasn´t here. Scared and not daring to look anyone else in the eyes, you hastily ate up your food. With a sigh you then returned to your quarters and spent the rest of the day hiding and trying not to encounter another death eater.

Eventually you fell asleep around midday, what wasn´t out of the usual since you were a night owl and awoke when everyone else went to sleep. Since you´d missed out on dinner, you thought it was better to once more visit the kitchen and swipe some left over food. It was better if you didn´t have to meet some of the other people anyways. On your way though, you spotted a sign on one of the doors that you passed by, “DO NOT ENTER”. This was clearly Severus´ writing. And the door was open. Should you or should you not enter a room with a sign of “don´t enter”? – You totally should!

On tip toes you sneaked into the room of the man you desired. What were you searching for? Maybe for evidence which proofed that the black haired wizard had a love life, or to see what precious belongings were hidden beneath the emotionless facade. 

In one part of the barely furnished room there was a desk, full of hastily written notes and small, colourful bottles and… was that a ring?

Before you could walker over to the desk though, you heard steps coming closer and instinctively, you just took a few steps back till you hit the wall.  
In came the owner of the room and you cursed yourself in your head. To your surprise, he didn´t seem to notice you. It seemed like he had a lot of his mind as he simply sat down on the desk in the other corner of the room and scribbled something down in a narrow, sharp letters. His position let you see the back of his head, his hair that was surprisingly clean today. Your hands itched to grab into it and slide your fingers through it, hearing him sigh in soft pleasure in return. Damn, only the sight of him made you unable to control your thoughts. But you had to get yourself together. 

Also, was that just your imagination or did he shift uncomfortably on his seat? His left hand jerked and then balled itself, as if he suppressed a certain need. At that you felt a smirk coming to your lips. So you had been right about it yesterday. The black haired man probably had just been too proud to admit that needed help with something and he still did now. 

“What exactly are you doing in my room?”

His voice cut through the air like a knife, though the sound of it was deep and soothing. You weren´t sure if it was intended and you felt yourself taking a few steps forwards to the figure that was still writing down important notes. 

Before you knew what you were doing, you stood behind him and put a hand onto the back of the chair. At that, Severus put down his pen. Did you have a plan or were you just improvising? Honestly, you didn´t know but no matter what you did, it had to work out this time. 

Quickly, he turned his head to face the woman that had burgled into his quarters. You could see that he was uneasy, but there was a spark in his eyes that hadn´t been there a few hours ago. You knew what it meant. He regret his decision from yesterday night. 

“Just… let me make you feel good” You said in a soft and caring tone and with all the courage you could muster up, you placed your hands carefully onto his shoulders and started massaging them. 

He sat still though his eyes watched every little move you made. Did this mean that… it was okay for him? You tried your best not to look at Severus while you worked on his shoulders, scared that he would back away again like he´d done yesterday. 

His muscles felt very tense and you did your best to slack them off and make him relax. After some time, you dared to meet the gaze of the black eyed man again, just to see that he´d lowered his one. His right hand rested on the desk still and the other one hung down like a border between you and his body. It was hard to believe that he actually let you touch him. And you were so thankful for it. Not able to control yourself, you let one of your hands slip a little lower on his back, massaging the tight muscles. The body underneath your fingers did not move an inch but you felt him take a deep breath. Had he… closed his eyes? Oh, Severus…

Also, did you just imagine that or was he… starting to get hard? From the obvious bulge that formed between his legs it was safe to assume so. Happy that he hadn´t thrown you out of his room yet and a little relieved that he obviously had no problems in that region – because his reputation wasn´t exactly the one of a sex god – you bit your lip as you let your hand slip back up to his shoulder and then down his chest. And lower… He didn´t move. You took that as a yes to finally slip your hand past his waistline and palm the forming erection. 

Severus inhaled sharply but didn´t move otherwise. Slowly, as if trying not to scare away a shy animal, you walked around and knelt down between his legs. One of your hands gently palmed his bulge while the other one stroked reassuringly over his leg. It seemed to do a good deal of relaxing him and you took the chance to unzip the fly of his pants and pull down his pants and boxers. Severus got the hint and lifted himself up a little so you could pull the clothes down, revealing a semi-hard member. 

A small smile grazed your lips. For so many years you had wanted to be in the position you currently were in and now it finally happened. Your hand gently wrapped itself around him and you stroked his length in a steady rhythm. From the corners of your eyes you noticed Severus pressing his lips together as your hand touched his naked skin but he let you. Leaning forwards, you let your lips slide along his shaft, leaving soft kisses in your trail before your tongue swirled around his tip. 

It didn´t take him long to get completely hard and you slipped his tip into your mouth, making him let out a soft sigh.  
As you bobbed your head, slender fingers buried into your hair on the back of your head and softly urged you to take even more. The sensation of light tugging and fingertips diving through your hair deep down to your skin, softly rubbing circles into your scalp, made you close your eyes in bliss. It was almost unbelievable. You were giving Severus Snape a blowjob. A low moan escaped the throat of the black haired man and the sound of it made you shudder. If it was possible, you wanted to make him feel the best he´s ever felt. Eagerly you bobbed your head and took as much of him in as possible, concentrating on his taste. The grip on your hair got tighter and Severus let out a series of breathed out moans. Looking up at him, you could see that the mighty wizard had opened his eyes just a little bit, orbs full of darkness staring back at you through small slits and you would have finally drowned in them, if the tears that had formed in your eyes didn´t blur your sight. 

Soon, his moans turned louder and you had to tightly hold down his hips to keep them from bucking violently. The poor man probably hadn´t gotten a lot of blowjobs in his life. It didn´t take him long to come as he groaned and the grip in your hair turned painful, and fill you up with a thick, bitter and salty tasting liquid. You retreated your head and his length slid out of your mouth. Severus watched, still breathing hard, how the muscles of your throat moved when you swallowed. His eyes widened only a little bit and his gaze darted up to your eyes. You looked back, wanting to show how much affection you held for him, how much you adored him and wanted him, though it was too soon. Severus needed time to get used to love. 

.--.--.--.

The next day wasn´t as lazy as you´d hoped for it to be. Early in the morning, someone came to wake you up. Some wizards had written an article about the Dark Lord that had angered him and you and a few other death eaters should go and make the guilty one pay for it. 

As much as you hated violence, it was not like you had a choice. You despised yourself for what you had become. Was it not for your family, you would immediately turn around and flee from this hell. 

Performing the task wasn´t easy. You actually had to kill this man and the aftermath was intense. Additionally, two other death eaters came up to you, not looking friendly. 

“Trying to take all the credit, don´t you?”

“Filthy half-blood!”

They started to attack you out of nowhere and you stumbled onto your feet, pulling out your wand. Being in a tight corner, you angrily yelled the spells into their faces, rage taking over you. If someone threatened you like that then you would fight back, even though you felt like a mouse fighting against cats. Fear made you strong. You countered and blocked their spells until a bright angry red light shot out of your wand and hit both of your enemies and they exploded. Wait… they exploded? Or did they just aparate? They faded into the darkness like shadows. Darkness? Why was it already dark outside? A sudden sting of pain made you look down on your wrists and you realized that you were wounded. 

As you returned to the mansion, it seemed like the other ones had already reported on your success. Still being in a confused state, you wandered back to your quarters, finding them quickly this time. As you entered the cold room, you noticed that Severus was sitting on your bed and suddenly it felt like someone had turned up the temperature. 

.--.--.--.--.

Without a word you closed the door and took a few steps forwards. The room was very small and Severus looked slightly uneasy, having sat down on the bed because there was no other seat in the room. Although the tall man didn´t look pleased about coming here and obviously having to wait for something, there was a certain determination written on his face. 

His black eyes found yours and you immediately knew why he was here. Severus had liked it. And he came here for more. Grabbing a pillow on your way, you let it fall onto the ground before Severus and he spread his legs for you to sit between them. He was more confident this time, his hand immediately finding the back of your head as you knelt down and long strands of black hair falling into his face as he leaned down his head to look into your eyes. And finally, you drowned. 

.--.--.--.

This time it took him longer to come. Also Severus was in control of his body, just the hand that was tangled in the depths of hair tightened painfully before he reached his peak. But the thing he did while being in his high made you freeze, unable to move your legs that had halfway fallen asleep. 

“Lily”

The black haired man had moaned out the name as he came, his eyes tightly closed. It left you staring in shock and sadness, watching the dreary walls of your room as if you´d be able to look through them. 

Severus had leaned back on the bed, gasping for air in an aftershock of his climax. You did not look up at him as he left the room in complete silence.

_Severus,_  
Poor Severus,  
grieve.  
Grieve until there´s not a single tear left to shed.  
And then move on. 


	2. chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m so incredibly sorry! I know some of you have waited for the next chapter and I did my best, but I couldn´t update sooner. I kept writing and writing but somehow this chapter was really hard to write. Maybe it´s because I need to be a in a certain mood for this, and the thing is that I´m not often in this mood anymore. It´s a kind of longing feeling. But anyways, I really hope you like it although it´s not that long Q_Q  
> PS: I know Bellatrix isn´t in love with Severus in the book or the films but just for the sake of jealousy I did a very very slight Bella x Sev here.

He often came to visit in the following weeks. It had started to get kind of a habit and between soft moans, sighs and growls you had decided to finally show him some of your love. Since that one time, Severus had never mentioned Lily´s name again. Maybe he had finally gotten over her. But you didn´t think that was the case.

Her name had simply slipped over his lips without him thinking about it. Probably he´d scolded himself later on for it, for this mistake he´d made, for letting you get a glimpse of his mind. No, he hadn´t given up on her, he simply had no interested of showing you his demons. But it was fine with you as long as you were the only one he went to.

It seemed like the two of you weren´t the only ones that knew of your nightly meetings, though. It was no wonder, since you doubted this bird cage of green marble kept any of your secrets safe just as poorly as it protected you. These tight walls made you sick, every day. You had a lot of deadly missions, gore and death where constant companions wherever you went. It made you sick.

Just a few days and you were longing for the nightly visits, looking forwards to seeing your love and getting the feeling of being the only one that was able to make him feel good. You were hungry for him every day and never growing tired of seeing his pale face framed by those heavy black locks.

This wasn´t love, it was an obsession. But either way, you were happily drowning in everything he gave you. Gazing deeply into his eyes never failed to take your breath away and make your heart flutter.

Severus managed to ease your anxiety and put your head up in the clouds. He was your escape from this life that you didn’t choose to live, which drowned your spirit like a thick coat of oil.

Today you woke up with a sick feeling in your stomach. Maybe it was best if you actually ate breakfast. Usually you refrained from doing so, since the thought of going into the dining hall and sitting between lots and lots of death eaters made you want to throw up right away. Ever since Severus had noticed, he let you have something of his meal that got delivered straight to his room.

Today you would have to face your fears for once. You were a grown woman after all, you could handle this, right? Making your way to the dining hall, you felt your knees getting weak but you pushed the huge doors open, aware of the eyes glued to your back as you went over to the table where some plates stood. Watching the cutlery was an old man with rotten teeth, looking up from his newspaper and eyeing you up and down with a wary glance. Trying not to pay too much attention to him, you focused more on the contents on the table. There were dried leftovers on the dirty white porcelain but you put out your hand to grab it none the less.

The old man opened his mouth as soon as your hand started moving. "'Never seen you here before..." he growled out grumpily and you feared a fight coming up so instead of answering you just grabbed the things closest to you to get away from this man as soon as possible.

Turned out you had grabbed a bowl and a fork. An excellent choice when the dish of the day was soup. Sighing softly in in the light of what was to come, you filled your bowl with the broth which had gotten cold and sat down at a table, keeping aloof from the other dark figures that had been watching you the whole time.

Just how were you suposed to eat the soup now with this damn fork? Maybe you could use your transfiguration charm and catch one of the rats here and create a spoon? Or simply try to form the fork into a spoon? Or you could... Watch the shadows that danced on the surface of the clear broth. Easy and featherlight they danced above the surface, avoiding the soaked small pieces of bread.

Certainly you looked out of your mind, hunched over your bowl of soup and watching it as if you were reading a book. Then it dawned on you and you moved your head to watch the ceiling. There was the source of the shadows. It was a bat that had reflected in the clear soup.

Being distracted, you didn´t notice the person approaching you in an unfazed manner. She said out your name, voice sounding harsh and scolding. At one go you lifted your head and watched the scene. Bellatrix was standing right in front of you, having slammed a hand next to your food bowl. She was too close for your liking. The other death eaters in the room started whispering but it was obvious that she didn´t care about that.

What could she want? You hadn´t done anything wrong, had you? It was a fact that Bellatrix sometimes started scolding random people to clarify her dominance, you hoped today wasn´t one of those days…

The dark haired witch snarled.

“Here you are, (y/n). It´s quite unusual to see you here.”

She feigned a smile and you knew that this was never a good sign. With a slightly scared expression you looked up at her, not moving one bit. What did she want?

“Usually you are dining alone in your room, aren´t you? Or is there someone to keep you company?”

Oh no. Did she knew of the thing with Severus?

“You should eat here every day from now on, is that clear? If you have so much free time, then you´re going to get a lot more work from now on. I will arrange it myself.”

And with a nasty grin she disappeared, not without making sure to hex your soup because it suddenly turned over and spilled all over the table. Great. So apparently, Bellatrix didn´t want you to spend time with the love of your life. Upset and sad, you went back to your room where a letter already sat on the bed.

It said that you had many duties to attend to tomorrow. With a deep sigh you let yourself fall onto your bed and bury your face in your hands. Just why?

¯°º»Ɔ o C«º°¯

Bellatrix had kept her promise. It had been days since you´ve had a minute to yourself and there was no Severus in sight. Probably he´d gotten more duties too. You had strange dreams at night, about what you´d done. You´d murdered innocent people in front of their children and families and friends. Heard their screams when they begged for their life and eventually took their last breathe. Heard the pleading and crying of the people watching and the nasty laughter from the other death eaters. Whenever possible, you tried not to be the one that cast the unforgivable curse. Always when you did, the ghosts of the decedents haunted you wherever you stood.

To top all of that, your throat felt sore and you were constantly coughing. Tea hadn´t been able to ease the aching in your throat and you didn´t have the strength to search for another solution right now. All of the tasks left you so worked up, it was a nightmare. You didn´t even have the strength to stand up once more and at least get decent dinner. Your heavy eyelids closed and right before you could let your mind slip away, there was a knock on your door and it opened up. With a groan you opened your eyes and to your surprise, Severus came into the room, closing the door behind him. It had been some time since you´d last seen each other. How much time exactly you couldn´t tell. The days just blurred into each other.

There was a short silence. Did he came because he needed you for his pleasure once again? You couldn´t help but feel used, but then again you had not much else to offer that he would want. Severus was a man that always tried to keep his emotions locked up in a secret place, far away from getting seen by other people. After experiencing the same life as him, you could imagine why Severus had become the man he was now. Well, fortunately, your childhood love hadn´t married your bully, but constant death and murder were certainly not making the thing easier.

For a moment you just stared at him. It had been some time ago that these black orbs had looked at you and it seemed like you´d forgotten how to read them. Was it the absence or had he changed? Had he locked himself even from you?

When Severus took a few steps into the room and then sat down on your bed, you were sure to know the reason for his visit. Men don´t change that easily, after all. It kind of relieved you to know he was still the same in some way, but this time you wanted to do it a little differently.

Severus scowled lightly as you sat down on his hips and not in front of him as usually. Your eyes never left his and slowly you started to unbutton his shirt, though his hand came to stop you.

“There´s no need in taking that off.”

“Trust me, there is.”

His grip loosened up and his hand came to rest at his side.

It wasn´t quite the same as love, but either way you were happily drowning in everything he gave you. His hips that thrust against yours, his hand that roamed over your body, hesitant at first but then determined.

The thing that made it perfect was that in fact it wasn´t perfect. You did not care about anyone hearing your moans and cries, for all you knew even Bellatrix could hear them and choke on her jealousy. Nobody could take this perfect moment with this perfect man.

He collapsed next to you on the bed then, his chest heaving as the cold air tried to cool down your bodies. And you turned around to him, enjoying the sight of his closed eyes, dark hair sprawled across the white pillow sheets and pleasure flickering over his features.

_My dear Severus,_

_If you only knew how lovely you look when you enjoy yourself._


	3. chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it´s terribly late again, but like I said, I promised to finish this story and here it is! :)  
> It´s strange to let it go completely, but it´s also a relief to not let you wait anymore!  
> I wanna thank everyone who read this story, it´s a different approach to writing for me and I hope it turned out to your liking :)  
> I´m thanking especially Elvira and Mimsy Moon, you were so loyal I don´t even deserve it, haha. Ily guys <3
> 
> So this third HP fanfiction of mine is coming to an end. Idk if I will write for the HP fandom anmore. They books and movies are a great memory of my childhood and I will always, ALWAYS have a weak spot for them (even thinking about getting a tatto :) but idk yet).   
> So again, thanks to eveyone who followed me until now!   
> I´ll say my goodbyes!  
> xx <3

The coughing had worsened over the last few days. Fever came in addition, so you stayed in bed in the little room which every cracks and corners you had learned to know by heart. Severus visited you every now and then. Sometimes he brought little bottles of potion that he made you drink to get better. From the colours of the liquid you tried to read his course of the day, imagining it to be like a mood-barometer.

The isolation brought you to the very verge of lunacy and even though Severus had lent you some of his books in a faint attempt of kindness, it had been in vain since all of them were nonfiction.

Slowly your state got better and the season changed. The scraggy tree outside your window started to grow little leaves and the icy ground melted into a muddy yet weakly thriving meadow. Nature could try and fool some into thinking spring had finally begun, but you knew just how tainted every fruit and creature was around this hell of a place.

Just as you were about to go back to sleep, someone knocked swiftly at your door. Standing up and lurching to answer, it was just one of the nameless death eaters you´d had to work with in the past months.

“Everyone who´s here right now has to gather up outside, it´s an emergency!” And with those words he proceeded to knock against the next door, leaving you behind in a confused state. Actually you didn´t feel well enough for going on a mission yet but if it was an emergency… Quickly you threw on pants and a pullover and sprinted over to Severus´ chamber. Maybe he could give you another one of his potion bottles to give your health a little boost before you left.

You pushed down the handle and the door opened. The thing you saw made you freeze up from head to toe. The little clock hand hovered above the 12 o clock mark, ready to strike. Yet it was left in place, just a few millimetres away and refused to proceed in its hourly course. You tried to breathe through your mouth but it was like your lungs constricted. Your limbs wouldn´t move as you felt hot and cold at the same time. Like a statue your body stood unmoving and holding you prisoner while you held your breath. The minutes passed by, adding the pressure on the hand of the clock as you were forced to watch. Despite the temporal length of the scene, you were not able to take it in clearly. The contours shirked your look, seemed to flee from your observation while you tried to take everything in as fast as possible.

 The chill that ran through your body was nothing in comparison to what you saw right before you on the bed with the silky sheets. Dark curls tangled with black hair, bodies nestled together in a tight embrace. _Severus. Severus, no_ _…_ _Oh god._ Finally you managed to stumble backwards. As you were able to avert your eyes from the sight, you turned right on your heel and fled from the scene.

 _Could it be? Could it really be?_ Your vision just wouldn´t stop spinning. Tripping through the hallways like a drunk man, the question slipped from your mouth continuously. Finally you managed to arrive at the arranged place. The clock struck 12.

¯°º»Ɔ o C«º°¯

 

The emergency turned out to be about a journalist. The man had turned out to be an undercover spy. You confronted him in his house, a wooden hut just a mile away from the three broomsticks.

As early as you passed the statues at the bottom of the stairs, an odd feeling hit you right in your stomach. There was doubt dug at the very back of your head, prying open the basis which had formed there since you had joined the death eaters.

Something hurt inside your chest as you watched the death eaters breaking down the door. The wooden splinters reminded too much of a broken heart. Even though you should be angry, at the very least angry, you couldn´t help but wish for Severus to be here.

His warming presence would grant you comfort, just like his imagine that came to your mind and soothed the view. The other death eaters damaged the hut purely because of fun, it was disgusting. _Severus is not like that._ The thought ran through your mind as you made your way through the broken door. The inside looked oddly familiar. Had you been here before? Before you had even walked through the living room, you knew a small kitchen would await you there. After reaching it, another horrible sight threatened to shake your core for the second time today.

There was a man, kneeling before them with a glare fixed on his face. Another one of your coughs made him notice you and every trace of determination seemed to be wiped away. You shook as he muttered out your name in shock. Why did he knew your name?

You knew why.

Even if it would´ve cost you an arm, you wanted to get away from everything as soon as possible. Stumbling backwards, you had to watch as the cries of your brother tore through the air, making the house jarring and creaking in agony because its residents had only left his body behind.

Without noticing, you cried for the one who could help you, the only one by now. And strangely, he appeared. Right behind you, Severus pulled you to your feet and firmly wrapped his arm around your shoulder to support you. While he pulled you out of your house, there was no end to the tears streaming down your face.

“Severus, Sev- I… this was my...”

He only hushed you and proceeded to get you away from haunting memories and a hurtful truth.

Everything happened so fast, but suddenly you were wrapped in his robe, its heavy velvet warming and protecting from every evil in the world. The scent clung to soft material and you tried to breathe in as much of it as possible, desperate to calm your spinning head. There was nothing else but him. Nothing else that mattered as you tried to cling onto Severus. Like a guardian, he carried you over to a pub which you recognized as the three broomsticks.

You were completely lost in memories. Your childhood, adulthood, everything seemed to swirl around you like a crib mobile. You were woken up from your half-daydream by Severus´ dark voice. He sounded like he wanted to tell a little boy that his dog had just passed away. His voice was careful, as if it was carrying a little ship over an ocean.

“Before you ask, no, I was not familiar with the circumstances of your visit in the mansion.”

You could only nod as you looked up to meet his gaze. Dark eyes surrounded you, calmed your spirit while you knew they tried to read every answer off your face. Severus looked at you a little expectantly, wanting to know the rest of the story. But, being a man of grace, he wouldn´t push you. A silent reminder was the only invitation he would provide you with.

 

You opened your mouth to talk, to tell your story to the man you loved, but somehow the words didn´t want to come out. Severus cracked as you tried to suppress a sob. Ignoring the other guests in the pub, the noise and chattering of people who didn´t _know_ what the hell you were going through, and pulled you into his arms.

There was nothing that would´ve stopped you from indulge his embrace and you melted against him. His hand came up to caress the side of your face. You were sure you memorized the feel of it by now. Severus´ hands felt like a warm but rough against your skin, the perfect mixture for a man like him. _What you had seen back at the mansion in his room couldn_ _´_ _t have been the truth, right?_

After you pulled back, you grabbed a hold of his hand. From up close, you inspected the tiredness of his eyes, the dryness of his lips, the paleness of his face. He was perfect.

“Severus, you know I love you, right?” The words came out of your mouth before you could even think of them. They just came natural and even though you felt shy, you didn´t want to have unsaid them.

Severus eyed you for a moment, then something blinked in his eyes. “I know.” He said and even though it wasn´t a replication, it made you smile. The black haired man cracked a smile as well then. You felt free, like you finally got a stone off your chest. _No, it hadn_ _´_ _t been the truth._

And for what felt like the first time, he didn´t resist, not physically and also - what was a much greater achievement - not mentally, as you pulled his face closer to dive in a for a kiss. Severus indulged and let his hand sink to the back of your neck. When you both pulled back, your eyes shone with joy and Severus greeted the sight with another warm smile. You could tell he was glad that you made it up to here.

Another cough rippled through your lungs and you turned forwards to clasp your hand over your mouth. Fine fingers slowly stroked through your hair and patted on your back and as you had recovered, he embraced you again. The both of you just sat there for a while. A translucent curtain shielded you from the rest of the world, the rest of the pub. Whether other people sat around you or not, you paid them no mind simply because they didn´t matter.

After some time had passed, the thoughts in your head had sorted. You looked up at Severus who had been absentmindedly stroking through your hair and he caught your gaze. He knew what you wanted to tell and you took a deep breathe. You felt taken back to your childhood when you used to tell some of your secret only to your best friends in hushed voices behind your hand.

“The reason why I came to the mansion was because they threatened my family. In the end I agreed to come with them because I thought it would make them let my family alone.” A painful throb in your heart made you shut your mouth. Your brother had died before your eyes. And your parents…

Severus held you closer. “The first time I saw you, I was sure you did not come there on your own will.”

You nodded as you wiped the small tears away and continued to talk with a trembling voice. “You know when I talked about being your student?”

Severus nodded. He remembered that he´d been confused because he hadn´t seen you before and it dawned on him.

“It was because I never went to Hogwarts. My parents”, your voice shivered again as you took a look over at the bar, heart aching upon seeing the unfamiliar person behind it. “They used to run this place. I was too sick to go to school so I helped them out. You often came here and I… imagined what it would be like to be your student ever since I heard you were a professor.”

Shocked from hearing your own words you needed a moment to process again what had happened. Severus seemed just as distressed as you but he made an effort to calm you down.

“Now that you say it… I remember seeing your face here, yes. I didn´t come here too often. It seems like the death eaters erased your memory and you confused reality and wish. So you believed what you dreamed of really happened.”

It kind of hurt to hear these things out of his mouth. You were surprised to not see him look ashamed or something like that, after you´d openly tell him that you´d been in love ever since he set his foot in the pub.

“You have a chronic illness.” Surprised that he knew, you looked up and nodded. Severus seemed to feel vindicated. “My profession provides me with helpful information, sometimes. As if a potion´s professor couldn´t cure a simple cold.”

You nodded, biting your lip as you felt yourself getting nervous and itchy under his gaze. Severus now knew so much about you. It was… strange but it felt good to confide in somebody.

“You didn´t take your medications for a long while, that must´ve excited quite some trouble.” As if to prove his point, he stroked a finger over your forehead. And he was right, your mind had been very off for quite some time.

Hesitantly, you looked into the eyes of the man you desired for so long. You were sure every normal person would´ve went on the run in the middle of your narrative, yet Severus hadn´t spent a second on thinking of doing so.

The feeling of being accepted just like you were was indescribably charming. The look Severus sent you was one of understanding and certitude. The sensation tingled under your fingernails and warmed you from head to toe. Neither of you was in any perfect, yet found yourself thinking just that. You took Severus in, with all of his flaws and his puzzled past, with his messy hair and grumpy morning attitude, with his inability to make coffee and will to always want to have the last word, with his warming eyes and skilful lips and willingness to take you in in just the same way.

It was almost laughable.

“Do you think, after hearing all this, that I´m… that I´m crazy?”

Severus features lit up by a smile and a KECKE GLANZ flickered in his eyes. He slowly leaned forwards. There was only the both of you. The surrounding world had vanished and blurred out as if someone had wiped a wet cloth over a painting. You looked into his eyes and nothing else mattered.

“It´s not necessarily a bad thing.”

**Author's Note:**

> comments appreciated! <3


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